03242017

People started asking me at work if it was true that I was leaving the company. I, of course, said yes.

Em asked me if I was happy with my new work. And I answered her truthfully. “I am happy there. That’s the reason I decided to leave this company. I’m not happy anymore and I don’t care anymore”. I know that she feels the same way towards this company and the work but what can I do? I just resigned first and I don’t want to stay anymore. It’s not like I belong in the company anymore anyway.

Leo asked me why I was leaving, a sad demeanor on his face, the most sincere question I got from someone today. He asked why I was leaving. I said I no longer felt happy in the company, everything is boring and I can’t accept doing a routine job. He nodded his said and said, “You’re right. If it’s career growth, you’ll never achieve anything here.” But then he asked, “But the pay is good. Why decide to leave?”. I answered, “Yeah, the pay is good. But I’m not a money person, Leo. I can thrive without a job.” He nodded his head again then put a hand over my shoulder. “You’ll be all right, Cess. You can do it, ” he said with a smile then walked away.

I valued this company as much as a family. But I was no longer happy. I haven’t been happy with them since September last year. I had enough of everything that happened and is continuously happening. And when I’m not happy anymore, when I’m bored or uninterested, I drop everything already.

I have always asked myself why I was like this? Most of the time, uninterested, uncaring, indifferent. One of my teachers from high school even told my mom about it. “Your daughter has this thing that when she loses interest in you, she will drop you out of her life completely, no matter who you are, no matter what it is. If she’s fed up, she’s fed up. She does not care,” he said. Is that a bad thing? I don’t know.

I have always believed that if something doesn’t matter anymore, there’s no point in holding onto it anymore. It can stay in your memory but to forever bring it back and make your emotions stick to it is not emotionally practical. You have to move on because that’s the only way for you to grow and discover new things. There’s no use crying over spilled milk, they say. Just wipe it off, rinse it, leave the rug out to dry and wait to use it again when something spills over again. That’s life. That’s why I don’t stick to people. If they don’t like me, then fine, I’ll just watch from afar what’s going on in their lives. If I like some people, I will try my best to reach out to them every now and then. If they do me wrong in any way, then it’s goodbye, most likely, forever. No more relationship. But I’m not the bad girl to entirely ignore anyone. If someone reaches out to me, then I’ll gladly talk to them, but whatever we had before will never come back.

I don’t want to be stuck with emotions with someone because I don’t want to be hurt, I don’t want to expect then just be disappointed because what I hoped for didn’t happen.

The same goes with the things I do. I can do a lot of things very nicely, especially when needed. But I don’t want anything boring. My attention span is really short. I can appear to be enjoying things but deep inside, I’m just pushing myself to finish whatever is on the schedule, deep inside, I already want to jump up and down and leave the place. That’s why whenever I do something, I make sure I play music because if I don’t, ho ho ho! I’ll probably do something else.

This company was fun at first, with people all being friendly. They are until now. But ever since my schedule was put on a shift against everyone else’s where I don’t get to speak to anyone, that’s when it felt suffocating. I don’t even know the new hires because I never get to spend time with them, not even during lunch.

Leaving will not leave me with regrets. I never had any. So if they think I’m going down or is sad leaving, wrong. I’m happy. It’s going to be a breath of fresh air and I love it!

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