I am delusional.
I’m a fan. You’re my favorite. I’m in love. You’re attracted to someone else. I know you. You don’t even notice me. We’re two different people living two different world in two different countries.
But I love you. Damn it. I do.
I did my best to show you my love and support but it never seems to get to you. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
It all started with a crush, then action, fell in love and now being so much in agony. Simple tags, comments and messages, all of which he doesn’t even notice. It hurts.
But then it happened, moments when I knew it was about me, all about me. All the times you tried to make me smile, the times you tried to answer my thoughts, the times you tried to show we have the same interests, I appreciated it all so much.
No matter how much I tell myself it’s all just a matter of coincidence, I still want to believe that this is real. I believe it is. Your friends noticing me, making it feel like I’m the topic most of the time, sharing things about you when you can’t yourself.
Each and every action made by you before, I felt like it was for me. Not until you went back to your real life, you being busy and occupied. You were busy before, too, but this time around, it’s different. Most of your time is being taken by your work, your goals, your future. I don’t even get to see videos of you anymore. You stopped smiling, too. You stopped showing your face.
Are you all right? Aren’t you happy? Have you lost interest in things? Did something break your heart and made you cry?
I miss you. I miss those moments you do exactly what I wish for. I miss seeing a smiling photo of yours. I just really miss you.
Maybe it was all just a coincidence, a trick of faith, something to give me a glimpse of affection and hope in love. Maybe he doesn’t really know about me and that I don’t matter.
I want that “maybe” to be real because I don’t want to be hurt. I want to move on and find another love without leaving a big piece of my heart in your hands.
But that already happened. My eyes only search for you. My ears only want to hear your voice.
I was stupid. I know.
But thank you.
Whatever you do, it traces a smile on my face and I love it.
Whatever you say is like a breath of fresh air.
Whatever song you sing becomes my anthem, my song to get me through the day.
Whatever you share becomes a gem of memories collected in my head.
I boast you as mine, mine alone. I brag of the stories maybe only I know of. I tell mty friends of my endeavors to reach you that only lead to dismay.
I will continue to love you, but only because I really care. My adoration and affection have been greatly moved by you, moved out of my system. I will continue to watch from afar, despite knowing that even a bit of me will come back as nothing to you.
You will remain my inspiration, a similar goal I wish I would be able to achieve in my own life. You will remain as the guy I always want to watch while performing on stage. You will remain the guy I love hearing a set of on the turntable. You will remain the handsome guy that has caught my attention and made my eyes flutter. You will remain the guy with a dorky side I smile at. You will remain the guy I wished already stopped smoking.
This I wish, until our lives finally cross, if they ever will, to make your life blessed by the heavens and overflowed with happiness and love. Like what you said, “I hope we will meet soon”.
This post was first shared on SNS on March 10, 2017.