He went to Japan and stayed there for 2 days, I think. I was getting better at stalking him and other DJs, too. I was sort of sad, because a lot of girls in Japan wanted a photo with him. Why was he even so good-looking and cool?
Around the same time, too, I started talking to one of his friends from a different country. We only started out talking about Mr. Kim until later on, we also talked about his work, some artists and his personal life. But Mr. Kim didn’t seem to know about me still. There were other DJs that added and followed me on social media, too. And there was this other DJ that liked my photos… A girl. The same girl at that Japan show.
After his show in Japan, he went back straight to Korea for other shows. Surprisingly, he started posting photos of a certain girl, the female DJ he was with in Japan. It didn’t stop with the photos. There was even a video and one where they were holding hands. And yes. That made my heart crumble into pieces. I was hurt. But what can I do? If they were together, what possibly can I do?
But things started getting messy.
Aside from the follows and likes I get from the other DJs Mr. Kim is friends with, there was one interaction that I can never forget.
One DJ shared a screenshot of his conversation with Mr. Kim and shared it on his SNS. I happened to have seen it and laughed so I left a comment. His friend liked the comment and said “lol”. Another friend of theirs left a reply under my comment saying, “Is that her?”, and another one replied, “Yes”, all of them using their language. I was surprised with what they meant but I just shoved it aside thinking it was nothing.
But then Mr. Kim deleted the photos and videos of the girl from his SNS, after being inactive for a week. When I looked at the girl’s SNS, her most recent photo was one where she held her middle finger up. Damn. She was mad.
I never really gave it too much notice until another fan of Mr. Kim’s band (who became my friend before this situation) contacted me, asking what I had been doing with Mr. Kim. I did nothing. Then she said that she knew the female DJ’s personal SNS and that she has been ranting about herself losing to a girl a guy has never met, that she was certain she was his “princess” before someone else came into the picture. My friend thought about me first because of my name. But I said I didn’t do anything but send him a message.
I already had hunches that he knew about me. As to how, I didn’t know. Mr. Kim deleted the photos, videos, he even left the club him and the girl were residents at. Wow.
Then more crazy things happened.
As if he really knew what was happening to me, he did things I couldn’t imagine.
In July, I was really into a Korean singer, Dean, who also was scheduled to come to the Philippines. He came and I fangirled over him for almost a month. First thing that happened was, during one if Mr. Kim’s live events, a fan asked if he liked Dean. Mr. Kim read it but he couldn’t answer it directly. I saw how he furrowed his eyebrows when he said, “I’ll think about it”. I thought that was a pretty normal reaction because maybe he felt jealous that people wanted to talk about a different artist during his live. But when Dean came back to Korea and was in a tight situation, I was also sad for him because I knew what he was going through. After almost a week of being sad, Mr. Kim posted a photo of himself showing off his abs. And just like what a friend told me, he was making me smile and concentrate on him instead. Well… He certainly succeeded in it.
I love using Twitter. Most of my random quick thoughts are shared there. So there was this one time that me and a friend were talking about what we liked in a guy. I was honest to answer that I didn’t have any ideals towards a future partner. I said that I like a guy who has straight and beautiful teeth. And that I would turn down a guy who smokes. I cannot stand anyone who smokes.
Next thing I knew, Mr. Kim showed a photo of his teeth with his braces on. He had crooked teeth before but now they look beautiful. At around September, he then shared a photo of his laptop, with a vape beside it. He was trying to stop smoking. My boy was listening to me.
Around that same time, Dean was seen in one of his friend’s videos holding a cat. And he looked adorable in it, playing with the cat and petting it. I love cats. Then I went on to tweet something like, “Give me a man who loves cats and I would marry him instantly.” That night, Mr. Kim shares a photo of his cat with the caption “me”. And I swear to God, I jumped like crazy thinking he was answering my tweet.
More things similar like this happened. His bandmates have added me back or followed me on SNS. Two of them I have already talked to. His other DJ friends would like some of my posts. They also have a photographer friend who followed me on Instagram. At first, I didn’t know they were close friends. I thought they were only acquaintances as I see that the photographer have been to numerous shows to snap photos of Mr. Kim and his circle of friends. But one day, he posted a photo of himself at a rooftop with the caption “party”. Then I saw one of Mr. Kim’s bestfriends commenting “what time are we going?”. So it hit me that they were friends, all of them. And at the back of my mind, I already created the elaborate story that Mr. Kim had me guarded with his friends. It was safer for them to interact with me rather than him because he was already fairly more popular than his friends. I created the story that his friends would tell him what I talk about, to make him smile, later on giving back the smile to me. I believed my own story. But I also believed it was just all coincidence. Coincidence because it was too good to be true. The photographer had to delete the photo, along with all their conversations.
But when I’d ask for a selca, Mr. Kim would post one. I asked for a smile, he posted an x-ray of his jaw. I said I was already over with Dean, he started using his songs in his mixes. I was sad one day then he shared the lyrics to one of my favorite song of theirs. They really end up being shared at the same time.
And there was this one time I almost cried.
He was at a show one night with some of my other favorite DJs. I wasn’t worried at all but then I realized there was another female DJ at the show. He never shared his experience that night despite being with his bestfriends. But I saw his bestfriend post a photo of them two with two other girls. Mr. Kim was seen talking to a girl in white. The female DJ, Ms. Lee was tagged as the girl his bestfriend was talking to. He was safe but I was still furious at why Mr. Kim was talking to a girl. I wasn’t going to mind it not until I checked Ms. Lee’s profile and saw that she had a photo of her own with all the DJs at the event. She was standing right next to Mr. Kim, their arms locked together and she was wearing white. I was fooled. Then another DJ shared a photo of him with Mr. Kim, denying to tag him. But they were with Ms. Lee, too.
I was hurt, like really. This time, for real. He tried his best for people not to know he was with a girl, another female DJ. I went to my Twitter and said that I was heartbroken. I made sure he would know what I was talking about because the only photos of that night that I liked are the ones with him and Ms. Lee in it. I was furious. But I couldn’t let that get the best of me. I reminded myself that I initially thought it was all just a coincidence that he knew about me, that I was just a fan. Nothing to be mad about. He probably didn’t know me. But I was really so sad.
I tried my luck though. After saying that I was heartbroken, I tweeted something like, “Post something blue and I know that you care. Post something red if you don’t.” I was playing with fate and it got twisted.
Even before the day ended, Mr. Kim shared a photo of himself with blue light at the back.
I fucking cried.
Names given aren’t exactly their real names.