I’ve been feeling too guilty lately. There are these people that always try to reach out to me, talk to me online. I don’t know if it ever meant anything to them or if they felt offended. However, I’ve been feeling as if they’ve become distant from me because I don’t talk to them as much as I did before. There are some people who totally do not talk to me anymore. Maybe it was their choice to stay away from me, or maybe life just made us grow apart. Either or, I still feel a bit of guilt in my heart.
One of my friends might tell me once more that I’m putting too much of the blame on myself again. I’m thinking of others too much. Maybe. But right now, I want to talk about me.
I don’t really go out so much anymore. My daily routine would always be the same, work-home-work-home. Sucks, right? I used to have a better social life back then, being able to go out with some friends at least on a monthly basis. But even that has disappeared my life gradually. Now, even going to church has become hard for me.
And that’s why I’m online most of the time, all the time even. I don’t go out and I don’t meet people personally. I meet people online. I am a person who loves being with people, talking about different things. Through the internet, I meet people like that so pardon me if you think I’m wasting my life being too friendly over cyberspace.
Maybe people from church has already thought that I forgot about my duties and only spend all of my days in spazzing about artists I follow. And even if no one from them admit to it, I know there are. What can I do? I rarely go to church especially when I already had weekend shifts. No one from church has actually tried to “reach out” to me, probably talk to me even online. There are some. But most of them would be sending me messages asking how my mom is. I wonder if anyone genuinely asks how I really am? I don’t know.
I don’t even get to talk to the people I treated as friends back then. Maybe because we’re all busy. Maybe. But I try to reach out sometimes and well, maybe I’m already a ghost. They don’t notice me. They don’t talk to me.
I don’t spend much time with my family anymore. I work on weekends. During my days off, my brothers would be at school and I usually just choose to sleep, thus making me incapable to talk to my mom.
I don’t even get to spend time with my bestfriend anymore, the only person left outside my family who agrees to meet up with me somewhere.
I don’t even talk too much with the people at work. Other than me being different, I just don’t get their jokes sometimes. You know. Jokes about dating, alcohol, and stuff like that. I don’t do those stuff so when the converstaion gears its way there, I shut up. Or if I appear like I’m laughing with them, that’s actually me thinking if I understood what they all just said.
And with everything up in my head, I haven’t even had a decent conversation with the friends I made over the internet
The reason I don’t go and talk too much is because of a lot of things. There’s work. Second is the difference of my body clock from everyone else’s. While everyone’s asleep, I’m awake. And when they’re awake, I’m dozing off somewhere, storing energy for the next night shift.
Then there’s me and my writer self. It sucks when you got all these ideas for a fan fiction story, for a blog entry, for a reaction on a certain issue, and whatnot, but you don’t have that much time to put them all into words, to make your imaginations become reality, to let people read what you have in mind. Sometimes ideas spin in my head leaving me to stare into space and think.
Then there are those personal things that got themselves jacked up in my head, work, home, friends, life, plans and so much more. Even that book I haven’t been able to read through is disturbing me. I’m actually thinking of going on a very short vacation to actually help myself unwind, reflect and think, but even the plans are crazy as hell and it’s at one corner of my mind screaming at me to put it first in my priority.
I’m crazy. You might think that I’m doing all these things at once. Actually, no. I’m not doing them. I’m THINKING them. And that’s where everything is crazy as it can be. You have all these things in you nutshell and you don’t know which one to do first, say first, act on first. And it sucks more when you have all these amazing ideas and have no one to listen to you, to help you create it into reality.
You know that feeling?! When you think of amazing stuff and you’re so excited. Then you realize that you don’t have that much resources to actually do it. Then add up the reality that no one supports you. It’s much more devastating when no one actually gives a shit about your mind. But it’s much more heartbreaking when someone does listen to you but makes it so obvious that they aren’t interested in anything you just said.
At this rate of my life, I may live to be an old hag and locked up somewhere.
So for those that haven’t given up on me, thank you so much! Thanks for always being there when you guys are available, when you have something to tell or ask me. It actually helps me concentrate on just one thing at that moment. Just let me get some of these stuff out of my head and I’m sure to talk to you guys in a freer manner. But don’t worry. If you guys send me a message or reply to tweet or comment on my post, I’m sure to give a feedback.
Originally posted on Facebook, April 25, 2016