Because of this fanfic, I decided to create a playlist on my Youtube channel with Dean’s songs and videos. Since I really am not that big of a fan of his, listening to his songs and watching his videos give me at least a grasp of what he could be in real life, in person, and help me use him as a character. And it kinda helped. Listening to 130Mood: TRBL starting from Eottae gave me an idea of a more structured flow. Hopefully, when the story finally reaches 21, everything would have already ended.
All the struggles. All the hurt. All the tears.
I was losing plot imaginations in my head for that Dean fanfic I was writing. I mean, I already have what I want to actually happen in my head but building it up is crazy. I have to listen to Dean, watch his videos. I also had to research a bit on psychology, various unique court cases, the South Korean law, culture and judicial process. I even had to go as far as to going through Google maps to get a grasp of their city, provinces, streets and transport system.
This is how serious I have become in doing this story.
I remember when I was contemplating to actually start it. I told myself I wouldn’t be able to finish it because the theme hurts me personally too much. I could write two or three chapters and people wouldn’t even know how much tears streamed down my face to actually put it all in words, how I would recall memories and then curse at how it haunted me, how much my heart would break as I reread and edit everything. It shatters me into pieces as I do this.
But I believed it was finally time to let it out. If not through my words, my mouth, I’ll let Chahye say it all for me. I’ll let her speak what nightmares we both see whenever the dark hits. Maybe through her, people would understand, people would know, and people would stop.
But in the end, I am still weak, hiding this secret from people that matter to me. But for Chahye, I want her life to be different, something totally different from mine, because there is hope and there are people who would actually care and support you. I guess, with me, I just haven’t found that trust yet, that courage to admit, that circle of people who would truly care. I am doing my best and hanging on because my stories are my dreams, my hopes of something better in life. Whether they would happen in real life or not, I’m already satisfied that I have turned them into words, whether people would appreciate or not, because that is as good as reality to me.
This was first posted on my Facebook account in 2016, as I was trying to start my fan fiction story with the artist Dean. I would let You guess if I finished it or not.