Me… Maybe

I use SNS because I found out that it does not judge me. It does not ask me to talk about sensitive things I don’t want to. It does not tease me. It does not instruct me. It does not pervert my thoughts. It does not insist things to me. It does not make me think. It does not follow me. It does not hurt me.

People do.

That’s why I prefer to be alone and embrace the space social media has given me, a space I know is mine, a space where I am free, a place in this world where ME is really just ME.
Social media has given me the liberty to speak my mind. It made me think and search for answers on my own. It made me learn English even better. It made me aware of different cultures and be able to adapt to it. It made me listen to the world and be able to feel. It made me say things I didn’t know I would be able to. It made me laugh. It made me emotional. It made me the noisy person that I am.

But then again…

Social media does not listen to me. It does not advise. It does not hug me. It does not wipe away my tears. It does not comfort me. It does not understand. It does not feel me.

People do.

Being on social media made me into a person that is expected to act differently in two worlds I live in.

In social media, I am strong and outspoken and smart.

In reality, I am weak and silent and stupid.

Or at least that’s what people make me look as.

I hate real people. There are two types I have to endure.

People that look up to me. People that expect the big things froms me. People that treat me as something superior.

And then there are those people that judge me. People that call me names. People that say I’m stupid. People that are disappointed of a path I decided to pursue.

I’m not strong. I’m weak. I have always been weak. I have always been afraid. I have always hesitated in everything. I don’t trust people. And I was taught not to, both by parents and experience.

I am not outspoken. I am silent. I don’t stand up to myself. I don’t fight. I value silence and peace. I get irritated quick because I don’t like hearing old people’s voices. I hate naggers. I hate noise. I hate everything that gives you stress.

I’m not smart. I’m stupid. I trusted the wrong people. I still do. I have very lousy decisions in life. I don’t trust my own guts. I don’t know how to manage money. I don’t know basic Filipino. I don’t remember days, years, time, specifics. I don’t have long-lasting relationships and choose the short-term friends I meet online.

I’m stupid because I think differently. I’m weird. I’m a rebel, my parents say. I am a bad weed, if compared to other people at church.

I’m what they may call “the reserved” woman sometimes.

But surprisingly… I’m also the crazy girl.

I’m boyish. I love hiphop. I wear sneakers. I don’t like dresses. I like jackets and hoodies. I like black. I curse a lot. I’m into Korean culture. I read and favor psychological books rather than romance. I’m not scared of horror movies. I prefer to be around men than women. I like being in clubs. I like alone time, a lot of it.

I probably would have lied to everyone in my life because I fear everyone else’s judgments about me. I don’t like talking to my parents, they stress me. I don’t talk to my brothers a lot because of time. I don’t talk to my bestfriend because she works and our times are different. I don’t talk to churchmates because I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t talk to my past classmates because I was never THAT close to everyone else. I don’t talk to my KHH friends because I feel like everyone else doesn’t understand me and that they feel inferior towards me. I don’t talk to past workmates because I don’t know what to say. I don’t talk to anyone because if I sense that you’re not interested in me, then I don’t waste time with you anymore.

Maybe it all just comes down to me not being able to talk to other people because I don’t know how to start conversations, whether on social media or in person.

I don’t like being judged but I also judge people a lot. If we talk and I suddenly stop talking, that means I hate you. That means whatever you know or is interested in is something I don’t like and talking to you will only waste my time so I stop and walk away.

I am vicious.

I answer sarcastically to people who appear stupid. I correct all your incorrect thoughts of life. I even have to correct your crazy grammar and call you names because of it. I can talk to you a lot about myself but will never give you time to talk about yourself. Your life, for me, will appear irrelevant and I would not care.

Honestly… I don’t know who I am. I don’t think I ever got to know who I really am.
I don’t even know what I want anymore. I’m not sure if I’m making sense anymore anyway. Sometimes I think, maybe I should just go out and meet people. Maybe I would change. But then again. I’m a broke bitch. Maybe I’m just depressed, but then again, why do I know that I am depressed? Maybe this is really a psychological disorder I have and visiting a doctor would help.

But then again… Where will I get the money to pay for consultations? Haha! Life is shit huh?
Maybe I’m really just not saved. You know? The Christianity thing about accepting Jesus as your savior. Maybe I’m just making it all up in my head because I know for a fact that being saved is a good thing, and that the human conscience would at most times, choose what they believe is right. Maybe the things I’m doing right now is not right and that other things are meant for me. But… How am I supposed to know what it is I am exactly to do? Maybe… I’m just too lazy.

Or maybe…

I just don’t have inspiration for anything.

I used to be really into writing but my mom said it’s better to become a meteorologist and get paid big by the government. I used to be really into my blogging my mom said I wouldn’t earn anything through it. I used to be really into my new work, but then my mom said I’m earning too little with it.

I wouldn’t have had said all of these stuff about myself if I knew anyone out there was as interested in me as myself. But… No. No one else. And if people really read this, maybe they’ll just stay away from me because even if they contact me, I would probably not reply anyway.
There was one person I wanted to talk about all of this before. I reached for him but… I guess he didn’t read it.

That’s why I don’t trust anyone.

I don’t trust myself.

I hate noise, but I can’t concentrate in silence.

I like being with a lot of people, but in the back of my head, I dream to be floating in the middle of the ocean eyes closed and letting the water toss me.

I like being with people, observing them, but also hate it when they reach out to me and talk.

I like writing but feel like writing has no future.

I like the thought of falling in love, the romance, the adventures. But I also don’t want to fall in love.

I love creating stories in my head, of characters I dream to meet and possibly become. But I also don’t finish their stories, nor is it evident what sort of ending I want to give them.

I am at peace in prayer, but I also feel so unworthy of His care.

I dream of big things, but I also give up, not because I do, but because I have to.

As I said, I love being on social media because I get to think. But I also hate it, because everything on this medium is unreal and pretentious.

If I suddenly stopped using social media, maybe I’ve already changed by then and found a haven that has given me more peace than what I have right now. I don’t know.


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