I just released an interview I had with a Korean hiphop artist yesterday on my blog. Although the artist wasn’t really famous, I had the best experience talking to him because he did not have the slightest sense of being shy or caring about his image. He was a really down-to-earth kind of person.
So when I published it, I shared it on this group of fans and also on my SNS. I was hoping people would notice and support, if not me, the artist at the very least. I was hoping my friends got my back.
But no one did. Not even the person who said the artist was her “boy” didn’t share the interview. Why was I even surprised?
But this one friend I have from London, Angel, saw my interview and shared it to her group, giving me much support. We were talking on te comments and she came down to saying that I didn’t deserve being passed by. She said that I deserve te support of the Korean hiphop fan community because what I’m doing is because of pure support for the culture, the scene. What she said last hurt me and made me fall in another deep slump of depression.
“If only people or maybe even your friends would share your stuff, you’d get more attention than other blogs.”
And I realized shit.
I have friends. But none of them share about my work. Not even my bestfriend. Not even my so-called crew. Not even my so-called homie.
And then I started thinking, why?
Do people really think my blogging is just a part time? A hobby? A fucking impossible dream? Do they think I’m just playing around? Why don’t I get enough support from them? Even my family doesn’t support me.
Sometimes I really think this is just a way for me to pass by time. But in this life, there is nothing more that I have concentrated on than this blog. Other things would only make me work on them for 2-3 months and then I’m done, tired, bored. I’m not trying to satisfy others. I’m making myself happy with this. And I really am joyful.
It’s just sad when you realize that you’re doing something you really, really love but you’re enjoying it alone, that you don’t have anyone to share both your problems and happy times to, that no one understands a shit you rant about. I feel so alone. There is nothing more agonizing than living alone with your thoughts. I’ve always wanted to have a circle I can share my success to. I guess that path is not for me.
But then again, I don’t want to appear like I’m a prick asking everyone to spread and support me. Of course, some people might expect something in return after I ask them for a favor. I don’t want to owe anyone anything.
I do things on my own. I started this blog from the bottom up, alone. My family said I’m just wasting my time. Some friends just say I’m playing around.
I’ll show them.
I will become something. I will be greater than what they think. I will make my blog as popular as others. It may take some time, but I will. I swear and I pray.