08062017

What makes you smile? Please tell me. I try to do so but nothing comes out right anymore.

I smile whenever I listen to my favorite songs. They either make me smile, dance or cry along. Nowadays, I listen and it means nothing. I don’t smile, I don’t cry either. I just sit there… Listening. But feeling nothing.

I smile every time I check Instagram and see my favorite artists post a picture or two. Nowadays, I see their updates, save the photo or video, and feel nothing. I smile as an initial response, but not enough to actually make me happy.

I used to smile when I finish writing about my feelings. But now it feels like everything’s just piling up, like nothing ever escapes me.

I always smile when I play with my cats. No matter how many playful pets we have now, I don’t get the satisfaction. Maybe my cats feel good and all. But I’m not.

I used to smile when I eat. I’m a stress eater. It doesn’t fill me anymore, neither my stomach or my heart. I should eventually sink into a lighter weight after this though.

I used to always smile and get giddy when I see this guy I really like look at my messages. Now, I feel guilty that I even bother him. No one deserves to love someone like me, a failure, a disappointment, a piece of shit.

I used to be really happy in the presence of other people, friends. I went out with some lately. But it wasn’t the same. I wasn’t happy. I laughed once or twice, but then would drop my smile to a frown. Worst thing was that I still went home deep in thought, burdened and lonely.

They say praying to God makes you feel light and happy. I’ve been praying. I’ve been praying for Him to make me feel better, because I just don’t know how to anymore. I’ve been praying, but I guess His answer is “wait” for now.

I’ve always been like this, cold and distant. But I definitely knew before how to have a good time and be genuinely happy. I don’t know what that means anymore now. I don’t know how to smile, how to have a good time, how to be sincerely happy. The worst thing is that I don’t even know what to do anymore to be happy.

I don’t know.

It’s obvious when I’m in a depressed state. I keep quiet, I barely talk, I don’t move and I detach myself from everyone, even from family. Both my parents see me like that. And they advise me to “kill myself instead” if I can’t think of anything to do.

I just want to lie on a rooftop floor, stare at the sky, cry and slowly disappear. Maybe that would be easier than dying. Maybe that would make them smile, despite me drowning in sorrow.

Whatever happens though, I pray you, The person reading this, to be happy, sincerely happy. I don’t want you going through what my heart is bearing. Go out, meet friends, share a laugh or two, go to the place you’ve always wanted to visit, ride a bike, call your partner and say that you love them, eat your favorite food, read a good book, go watch a movie. Do whatever to smile.

Whatever it is you did to smile, do it continously and tell me about it. I want to smile, too. Remind me about it.

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